


The lies we tell ourselves

by I_hate_the_snow



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Coma, Coma dream, D'oh in the shower, Explicit Sex, F/M, Familiar Faces - Freeform, First Time Sex, Forgiveness, Infant Death, Major character death - Freeform, Mentions of past abuse, More Sex, Mourning, Oral Sex, Reunion, Self Harm, Sex, Shower Sex, Suicide, Vaginal Sex, let go of the past, possible self harm, recovering from grief, what is real
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 15:54:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5381114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_hate_the_snow/pseuds/I_hate_the_snow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The group is starting their second year at the prison.  Starting at the beginning of S3.  Not all the events from the tv show and/or comic have taken place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Life

After a night of strange, vivid dreams about the life before the world ended, Lori Grimes woke up, alone in her own cell. The first thing on her mind, as it was every day for two years, was Carl, her baby boy. Hershel tried to save him, but Carl lost too much blood. She missed him so much. She missed his smile, his hugs, and his laugh.  Everything. Her grief was overwhelming and all-encompassing.

She pulled back the blankets and sat with her legs dangling from the bottom bunk, her bare feet brushing against the cold concrete floor.  When she finally stood up and stretched, and her hands went to where they used to go, right on her flat stomach. The grief, which never went away, came back in a wave.  She missed the feeling of being pregnant. She missed the swelling of her baby....Rick's baby... She missed the kicks that would wake her up in the middle of the night.

_If only._

She had said that to herself every day, several times a day, for the past two years.

_If only she never accepted Shane's advances. If only she said “no” to having Carl go with Rick and Shane that day. If only she gave Rick the emotional support he needed that evening. If only she tightened her hug rather than walk away. If only she persisted in asking for a moment with him, her husband. If only her daughter, Rick's daughter, had lived. She would be almost a year old. What would be different, if only..._

She gathered her clothes for the day, her small basket of shower supplies, pulled back the privacy curtain and walked out of her cell, headed to the shower room. The block was empty, quiet with the early morning peacefulness when everyone was still sleeping.  When she passed the Rhee’s cell she glanced inside than looked away quickly.  A smirk tugged at her lips when she saw Maggie going down on Glenn.  They forgot to pull over the privacy curtain, and neither was paying attention to who was in the hallway.

She gripped onto the cold handrail while descending the steps, the image of that fateful day never leaving her mind, and when she got to the bottom of the stairs she loathed, she saw Rick, her "maybe, maybe not" husband, asleep in one of the chairs in the cellblock.

He was on duty through the night, or maybe he got there an hour ago.....she had no way to tell. They didn't share the same cell. Never have. It has been almost a year since he touched her shoulder on the catwalk, saying "We're thankful for what you did." and walked away. She tried so hard to ask for forgiveness, and to explain why she flinched away. She tried for months. Then she stopped. She got tired of chasing him. She thought he'd come around. He never did. They haven't said one word to each other in two years. Two years of him barely acknowledging her presence, ignoring her when they passed in the hallway, or trying to comfort her when the baby she delivered lived only one day.

She walked away, trying not to look at the stain of blood which still marked the floor, used the bathroom and took a quick shower, using one of the towels that she and Carol would wash, fold and put out for whomever would need one. She dried off, got dressed, and when she walked back to the cellblock Rick was awake. They made eye contact, very briefly, and she looked away first before climbing the stairs and going back to her cell.  Signs of the past few years were evident on his face…he had a few more lines and wrinkles where none had been before, his brown hair was turning grey, and there was more salt in his beard than pepper. 

Despite everything, they both still wear their wedding rings. She sat on her bunk and waited until she heard Carol and Hershel come out of their shared cell and talk with Rick before she joined them. It's easier that way.

She had gotten use to the emptiness, the passive-aggressive ways he wanted her to know he's still angry; walking out of a room as soon as she entered, always sitting on the far end of the table at dinner time, and turning his back to her every time he can.

It's easier to have someone else in the same room with Rick. Years ago they could spend hours together, just the two of them, in the same room and sit in comfortable silence. Now, just passing each other in the hallway feels like a war zone. This has been going on for two years. Lori went to the kitchen for a quick breakfast, then told Carol that she was going outside for some fresh air.

xxxxx

Living in the prison was a bit like living in a college dorm. Abraham Ford, a Marine, made sure everything was organized and everyone stuck to a schedule. They each had a small plastic basket they carried to the shower room, which contained whatever they needed. Multiple supply runs produced hundreds of bottles of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste, feminine products, toilet paper, body lotion and thousands of bars of soap. Daryl laughed when he said that at the end of the world the last thing people are worried about is hygiene products.

Two cells are dedicated to the supplies, one cell dedicated for the canned food they gathered on runs, and another cell was dedicated for guns, ammo and weapons. They reinforced the walls and fences, and the prison yard was divided into sections; crops on one side and on the other side were the animals they found from abandoned farms. They had a few cows, several chickens, and a few pigs. Hershel loved being able to farm again, and always made sure that they had food. Carol became an expert on canning foods they would use in the winter. The prison became a home. Stops at housing developments gave them comfort products; pillows, sheets, blankets, and clothes. A peaceful place in the middle of the undead.

_One year ago_

_They were on a run to get items they needed since Lori was about to deliver her baby, Abe, Ty and Rick went to a hospital, and before entering they gutted two walkers and covered themselves in their entrails. They easily gathered IV bags, medication, drugs, medical and first aid supplies. They had bags of everything Bob told them to get, not just for Lori's delivery, but for any future emergencies._

_Bob wanted the infirmary to be fully stocked. Before they got back into the car, Abe gave everyone a pair of clean scrubs, and they took turns watching for walkers as they changed into clean clothes, rather than getting walker shit all over the inside of the car. They put the walker covered clothes in a bag, hoping they could be washed somehow._

_Ty was trying to make conversation rather than sit in the uncomfortable silence between Abe and Rick.  The two had recently had another shouting match over Rick’s treatment of his wife.  Abe’s wife and two children were killed by the walkers, and he was unsuccessful in trying to tell Rick how lucky his was._

_As they drove down the quiet, abandoned road they passed a Babies R Us store, and were shocked when they looked in; the place was barely touched. Even though Rick was not talking to Lori, he was excited about the impending birth. Nobody could take the place of his boy, but he loved the idea of getting a second chance at fatherhood._

_They cleared the store, and took a minivan from the parking lot. Rick's heart sank when he opened the driver’s door and found a walker who was once a pregnant woman. She turned, and the baby she delivered was on the floor near her feet.  The infant was also a walker. Ty helped him clear the van, which they drove into the store after they cleaned the seat. Abe stayed outside, to cover the store and to guard what they had, from the living and the dead._

_Ty and Rick were able to get everything they could without having to look over their shoulders. They got clothes, for a boy and a girl, formula, bottles, blankets, toys, diapers, wipes, pacifiers, a crib, stroller, playpen, and everything else on Lori’s list. Ty, who never had children, shook his head at the amount of stuff they needed. Rick had a lump in his throat, remembering the happier times with Lori, and shopping for all the baby stuff when they were expecting Carl._

_One last stop to an abandoned Walmart was what they needed to get some stale food, and Ty went to the health section to clear the shelf of condoms and lube, thinking that one baby at a time is enough. When they got back to the prison and both vehicles went through the double gates, Carol ran out to get Rick. It was clear that she was crying._

xxxxx

_Lori was due to deliver any day, and she thought Rick was looking at her more, or at least paying more attention without saying anything. Maybe it was all in her head. She felt relieved when he left for a supply run with Abe and Ty. Ty, Sasha, Abe and Bob were filled in about the entire story. When the four joined Rick's group after the farm fell, they thought Rick and Lori were strangers. They didn't know that they were married for fourteen years and recently lost a child. They saw Lori's belly grow, and Rick completely ignored her._

_At dinner that horrid evening, Sasha said to Lori that it was nice to see her smile and laugh. Lori nodded her head in thanks. She felt happier that Rick wasn't around. She had his baby in her belly, but felt happier when he was gone. Maggie, Beth and Carol also sat and chatted with Lori for over an hour. Lori felt relieved to have someone to really talk to._

_Carol started to gather the dirty dishes, and Beth jumped up to help. Maggie and Glenn were heading up to the guard tower for the night shift. Lori went to the laundry room and filled a basket with clothes from the dryer. She planned on going to her cell to sort through and fold the items and delivering personal things to certain cells._

_Daryl was sitting in his cell and when she passed by with a full basket of clothing he ran out of his cell and offered to help carry it up the stairs._

_She smiled, and politely turned him down, she said she was okay._

_She was one step away from the top when she lost her grip on the laundry basket. As she started to drop it to her left, she overcompensated and bent too far right. She then dropped the basket entirely and lost her balance. When she tried to regain her footing she slipped on a towel._

_Her stomach, and the baby, got the worst of it. Her belly hit every step as she slid down the metal staircase. She landed face first on the concrete floor. The total event took seconds. Daryl saw what happened from his cell and yelled for help.  Merle ran over to help his brother carry an unconscious Lori to the infirmary._

_Her water broke, soaking through her pants and leaving a trail of blood leading to the infirmary. Bob and Hershel were at her side within a minute. She wasn't dilated, but with the fall Bob said the baby needs to come out immediately._

_He washed his hands while Hershel started an IV, with antibiotics and painkillers. She was drifting in and out of consciousness.  Since it was a prison hospital they didn't have the equipment for giving a woman a C-section. Bob put on sterile gloves, and asked Beth and Carol to do the same._

_Bob started cutting, and a baby girl started weak crying just minutes later. Carol held the baby while Bob stitched up Lori, inside and out. The dirty prison hospital was far from a sterile environment to perform surgery, so he doubled up on the antibiotics._

_Beth was holding the baby girl while Bob started working on Lori's nose and left wrist, both of which were broken. Hershel, despite his recent leg injury, was at her side and constantly took Lori's blood pressure.  Sasha put a cool, damp cloth to forehead, hoping to offer any bit of comfort she could._  


	2. Damage is done

Lori said she was going out for some fresh air. It was a cool spring morning. Nobody had calendars anymore, but she kept track of the days by making check marks on a piece of paper every night she went to sleep. The check mark not only meant another day passed and nobody died, but that it was one year, she estimated, that she gave birth to Rick's daughter. She spent a few days unconscious after the fall, so she could only guess.

She walked through the tall, wet grass as a cool rain started to fall.  She plucked wildflowers as she walked her familiar route.  The area they used as a graveyard was between the fences. She sat down next to the only marker, a cross made out of two small tree branches that Ty made, and began to talk to her daughter. The tears started before she knelt down.

"Happy birthday, baby girl. Mommy's here. I love you so much, my baby girl. I miss you so much. I know daddy comes out here. He doesn't tell me, but I know. I hope your big brother is taking care of you in Heaven. Give Carl a kiss for me and tell him I miss him. Grandma and Grandpa too and your Aunt Katie. I'll bet they're all giving you big hugs today. I wish I could." Her voice cracked and she put her face in her hands, quietly sobbing.

xxxxx

He overheard his wife announce that she was going outside, and while he didn’t acknowledge what she said, he walked off in the opposite direction to go to the guard tower.  It was the only way to keep an eye on her. 

He yearned to take her in his arms.  He missed her smile.  He missed seeing her smile, and he knew that he was the reason why she was so defeated. 

Rick was at a loss for words.  Over fourteen years of marriage and two children together, but still he didn't know what to say. He looked at his wedding ring and asked himself if their marriage was worth saving, but his attraction to her had never waned, and many times he felt the electricity crackled between them. 

After two years of living parallel lives, He wondered if they could really go back to living as husband and wife.  Rick looked up again and saw Lori, crumbled over the baby girl's grave, her head down, her hands covering her ears, and her sobs echoing throughout the prison yard. 

His attention was diverted when he heard the door leading to the cellblock open.  Andrea walked up the stairs and onto the platform, dressed in a low cut top. She always tried again to get Rick alone, ever since the moment they met at the quarry.  He always refused her advances, and especially after she was harsh to Lori.

Ignoring the blonde, he turned his attention back to Lori and watched as Abe walked out and sat with her. He saw the red haired man pull Lori in for a hug, and didn't need the binoculars to see that her body shook with sobs. Abe was rubbing her back, and after a while he stood up and helped her to her feet, then put his arm around her and walked her back into the cellblock.  A wave of jealousy gripped him so intensely he felt dizzy.

Thinking about everything and every word the members of the group had said to him, and the panic he felt when he saw another man's arms around his wife, Rick pushed Andrea aside and went back to the cellblock, determined to talk to his wife.

_One year ago_

_Carol ran to get Rick, who, after hearing the news, ran back into the cell block and the infirmary, terrified when he saw a trail of blood. He was stopped at the door by Maggie, and told to wash up…they need to keep the area sterile. Rick asked if someone can get him a change of clothes and ran to the shower room. He ripped off his gun belt and clothes, took a quick, hot shower, washed away the guts, dirt and shit of walkers and the new world. Someone left a bottle of body wash in the stall, and he used it to wash himself from head to toe. He dried off quickly and put on the tee shirt, socks and sweatpants that Daryl brought down for him._

_He ran into the infirmary, was given a mask to cover his face, and looked at Lori, unconscious, bloody and bruised. Hershel told the officer what happened, and Rick’s legs buckled when he heard the news._

_"She's heavily sedated. We had to do a C-section, but she's patched up. Broken nose, I estimate two broken bones in her wrist. You have a baby girl. The trauma of the fall caused Lori's water to break. The baby needs more medical attention than we're equipped to give. She's underweight, malnourished, and may have sustained damage from the fall. Lori basically slid down the steps on her stomach and landed on the cement. Even if she delivered naturally the baby's lungs are underdeveloped.  I’m sorry."_

_Rick felt the color wash from his face as the room began to spin.  His voice was ragged when he whispered "we got stuff from the hospital."_

_Bob shook his head and repeated the damage both Lori and the baby sustained.  There was nothing they could do._

_The totality of the situation was slowly dawning on Rick, who became quiet.  He was numb._

_Beth, who was sitting in the corner holding the tiny baby girl, slowly walked over and handed the delicate bundle to Rick.  He looked at how small she was. He instantly fell in love, and kissed his baby on the forehead, and said "baby girl...my baby girl.....get stronger. Your mama and I need you."_

_The unshed tears that were waiting in his eyes started streaming out as he started to sing "You are My Sunshine" to his daughter._

_"Shit" Bob said, after looking through the supplies they brought back from Grady Hospital._

_"What? Do we need to go back out?" Rick asked._

_"No. No, Rick. You need to stay with your wife. She was on an emotional rollercoaster during her pregnancy and didn't get support from the one person she needed. Stay with your wife." Bob snapped, thinking of how his two young children and pregnant wife were taken by those things. His frustration over how Rick treated Lori during her pregnancy hit its boiling point._

_"I'm sorry. We have to watch her closely. That's the only thing we can do. Just keep watching her, make sure she's breathing." Bob walked over to Lori and lifted up her eyelids, one at a time, shinning a small light into them. Rick grimaced, remembering the pain of having a light directly in his eyes when he was in the coma.  The sensation was so painful he wanted to scream._

_Lori lifted her arm inches off the mattress in order to swat him away, but didn't wake up._

_"That's a good sign.”  Bob told Rick.  “She’s responding to stimuli. She should wake up soon. You need to be here for her. I'm telling you, you need to man up. Forget about the past. What's done is done."_

_"I think too much damage is done at this point." Rick said, sadly. He couldn't move or talk, but he remembered that he could hear and feel everything. He remembered feeling Lori's hand in his, feeling her breath near his ear when she was crying and begging him to wake up. Now he is wanting her to wake up. He wanted to put the pieces back together. He needed to put the pieces back together._

_"So you're just gonna walk away? Right now? She could have died. That baby could very well die. I've been told the story. She hurt your pride. So what? Christ, Rick. I never thought you'd be the type who would throw away your marriage because you think 'too much damage is done.' Rick, you need to listen to me. I lost my pregnant wife and two kids. Hershel lost two wives. Carol lost her daughter. Michonne lost her son.  Abe lost his wife and two kids. There is not one person here who hasn't lost a big part of their life. Your wife is lying in front of you. She needs you. Stop being such a fucking jackass and be a God damned husband to your wife." Bob screamed at the sheriff before he stormed out of the infirmary, surprised to find himself in tears. He went back to the cell he shared with Sasha and fell into the bed._

_Hershel was sitting next to Lori, constantly monitoring her blood pressure. He looked tired and worn. Beth was startled when the screaming started and then began to cry when Bob mentioned the loss of her mom. She left the infirmary and bumped into Daryl, who when he saw was upset, put his arm around her and led her to her cell._

_She missed her mom, her home, her room, and her life before the world ended. The group is like a family, but she missed her home._

_The two became very close friends over the past year. Daryl was very attentive to Beth, and her flirting did not go unnoticed by anyone. She would gently touch his arm or hand whenever she could. Her young girl crush on Daryl turned into much deeper feelings. Daryl was smitten with her for more than two years, ever since they met at the farm, but he knew he couldn't act on his feelings....she was just a kid...just a teenager. But the years and her growing up have turned her into an attractive young woman, and Daryl admired her curves when she wasn't looking._

_When they got to her cell he pulled her into a hug, and she went from gentle cries to sobbing on his shoulder. Daryl was uncomfortable with people showing emotions, and he refused to show any emotions himself, but he held her tightly as she cried on his strong shoulder. He started rubbing her back, and told her how sorry he was that bad shit happened to her._

_When she caught her breath, he took a plastic cup from a nearby shelf and turned on the faucet, then sat on the bunk with her as she took a few sips. She thanked him for staying with her, and they sat together on her bed for a few moments. He slowly stood up, and said that he should go...he didn't even realize that she was holding his hand._

_"You don't have to go.”  Beth whispered._

_"Everyone's awake."_

_"You can stay for a while."_

_He sat back down on the bunk, looked behind him to see the door and the privacy curtain wide open. He shut them both, then turned toward her and asked if she is doing better. She nodded her head, and thanked him for staying with her. They haven't broken eye contact. He suddenly leaned forward for a kiss, taking her mouth hungrily. She has never kissed anyone before. He was so strong, but so gentle. She felt his tongue in her mouth, and his hand crawled up..._

_They were interrupted by a loud cry, and commotion near the infirmary._


	3. I thought there would be more time

_Rick cried out when his baby girl took her last breath. Bob rushed in to see Rick starting CPR. The baby girl was so fragile, and Rick was doing the CPR wrong. He was breathing air into the lungs of a tiny baby, but with the force of breathing into an adult. Bob took over, but he knew it was too late. He was just going through the motions._

_Rick walked over and sat on the stool next to Lori. He buried his face in the crook of her arm, and held her hand tightly. He put his arm around her waist. She wasn't waking up. He moved to sit on the mattress, lifting her limp body up and holding her in his arms. His body forcefully shook with sobs._

_“Baby, please wake up.  Lori.  Please.  I love you so much.  I’m so sorry.  Please wake up.”_

_Maggie was trying to hold it together emotionally when she brought the baby out to the small crowd that gathered.  The group, who became a family, stood around, emotionally frustrated at the situation and devastated when they saw the newborn._

_Nobody could do it. Ty eventually stepped forward, turned the baby onto her side, and slid a screwdriver into the base of her skull. She was stopped from turning, and Sasha took a pillowcase and wrapped her up, making sure that she concealed the back of her head._

_xxxxx_

_Bob continued to check Lori. Although her vitals were stable she remained unconscious._

_Hershel didn't move, except for checking her blood pressure every few minutes. Rick realized that the only person he has in the world is in front of him. Both of his children are dead. His parents and brother, gone. Lori is his only family. His wife.  For better or worse.  He held her hand tightly, begging her to wake up. Just like she did when he was in the coma._

_Andrea pushed through the crowd that was stull gathered around the infirmary door and walked in, wearing the same revealing top._

_“Well, that sucks.  Anyway, Rick…wanna go to the guard tower?” She said, passively._

_No response.  Rick’s full attention was focused on his wife._

_“I’ll take that as a no.  You don’t know what you’re missing” She teased, as she lit a cigarette._

_“Andrea, not here.  Take that someplace else.”  Hershel snapped._

_“Why?  Kid’s gonna die anyway.  C’mon Ricky…let’s go have some fun.”_

_The officer stood up and angrily put his hands on the robust blonde, pushing her backward and shoving her out of the room._

_He was about to sit back down before Hershel told him to wash his hands again.  Rick nodded, cleaned himself, and spent the sleepless night next to his wife.  As the hours ticked by he’d kiss her on the forehead and tell her how much he loves and needs her._

_As the sun started to rise and flood the room with a warm glow, he asked Maggie to take over watching her._

_He went back to his cell, closed the privacy curtain, and let his emotions pout out.  He was wondering if he killed the baby girl by doing the CPR the wrong way.  He wondered if there was a chance his daughter could have lived.  He couldn’t handle the thought that he may have killed his baby._

_He couldn't face it. He couldn't face Lori._

xxxxx

_Rick kept a vigil over the following two day, and was finally, under Bob’s orders, getting some sleep just at the time Lori surprised everyone when she opened her eyes. Sasha was right next to her, and let out an excited scream when her friend woke up. She moaned in pain and grabbed her belly. She wanted to see her baby. She said she had a headache, and her whole body hurts. She wants to see her baby._

_Lori's cry echoed throughout the cellblock. Hershel held her hand, encouraging her to pray. She was crying for her baby. She was crying for Rick. Rick heard her crying, but couldn't face her. Daryl, Merle and Abe yelled at him to go to his wife, but he couldn't. The guilt from ignoring her throughout her pregnancy was too much. He ignored her for a stupid reason, wasn't there for her emotionally, and now the baby is dead. He couldn't face her. He couldn't risk it._

_xxxxx_

_Later that day Rick watched from the guard tower as they had a funeral for the baby girl. Hershel, a man of God, said prayers, and Ty and Abe were holding Lori by the arms. She was holding the baby girl, and refused to hand her over. She looked up and saw Rick in the guard tower and cried out for him._

_When he heard her yell his name he felt like he was kicked in the gut. He couldn't face her. He sat on the floor of the guard tower and sobbed._

_Weeks passed slowly. Lori was physically recovered, but emotionally wounded. During her recovery she wasn’t able to climb the stairs, so Bob and Sasha offered to switch cells with her. Her new bed was on the other side of the wall from her husband.  She couldn't lie there, knowing that he was so close, and not being able to communicate with him. She wanted to approach him, but couldn't face the rejection of him walking away again._

_xxxxx_

The morning sunrise was beautiful. Beth and Daryl would have noticed it, had they been paying attention.  They had then night shift, and when they first got to the tower, they locked the door from the cellblock. Beth giggled as Daryl took her by the hand to the office. Enough with the long, lingering looks in front of everyone. They would touch each other’s hands or arms as they passed in the hallway. Since that horrible night when the baby died, they were either too emotional, or it wasn't the right time to do anything. But that was a year ago.  This was it.

He backed her against the desk, she unzipped his pants, and he took off her shirt and slipped off her bra. He took off his shirt and kicked off his pants, and pulled down her shorts in one motion. She wasn't wearing any panties. He kissed her deeply, and she was having so many different sensations of being naked with the man she loved. He kissed her mouth, and put his hands around her hips as he guided her to the ground. He gently sucked on the nipples, making her catch her breath from what she thought was coming. She had no idea. He sucked on her breast again, then kissed her deeply. He licked her stomach, and got to his first destination. She was about to ask him what he was doing, but the words didn't come out.

She arched her back as he kissed, licked and sucked on her clit and moved his tongue in and out of her warm folds. He sucked on her clit until she moaned, and he could feel her body tense. He wanted her to feel good. He asked if she was ready, and she nodded her head with a huge smile. He gently put his tip in, and kissed her as he slid more of himself in. He started pumping in and out, and felt something break. When she winced he kissed her again, and told her he loved her.  She kissed him back, and he thrusted into her some more, going deeper each time. She was almost laughing with pleasure as he shoved himself in up to the hilt. He felt her muscles tighten, and she let out a small scream. He rolled her over, and she was on top of him, her legs spread wide across his crotch, his full length inside of her. She leaned down for a kiss, and he took her mouth hungrily. He guided her hips up and down, moving her along his shaft. She started to sweat and shake, grabbing onto his chest hair to steady herself. She tensed, and her entire body relaxed. He smiled as he rolled back on top of her. He started thrusting harder and harder, and she felt something pop deep inside of her.

"Oh.....oh shit that was good." she said, sweaty and exhausted.

"Hope you're ready for more. I've been waiting for you for two years."


	4. I loved you.....I love you

Abe brought Lori back inside, and helped her sit at the table. She was so frail and weak, and the Marine told her that she needed to eat. In the year since the baby girl was born, she became emotionally withdrawn from everyone. She would sit alone in her cell all day long, with the privacy curtain closed. She fell into a deep depression. Her children were gone. Her husband may as well be gone. He was physically here, but he checked out emotionally years ago.

They were glued at the hip after Carl died, but then the farm fell, and when she pulled away from him after he told her about Shane, that was it. From that night to the time he put his hand on her shoulder on the catwalk, they were living apart.  She thought about suicide, from the time she woke up in the morning until she closed her eyes to try to sleep at night.  She could make a noose out of bedsheets, use a knife or a gun, or jump off the roof of the prison.  She didn’t care if she walked to the gate and fed herself to the walkers.  She wanted the sweet relief of death.

He knew her well enough that she counted the days until what would have been the baby's first birthday. It also marked two years of the pure rejection she he felt whenever he looked the other way. He missed his wife. He missed being with her. His cell was right next to Bob and Sasha's, and he would hear them making love during the night. It reminded him of their honeymoon...they would be woken up during the pounding on the wall of the couple next to them. They would laugh at the moaning and the constant thumping, and ended up making love themselves. 

He would then hear soft sobbing coming from Lori’s cell, and was ripped back to reality.

xxxxx

Rick walked back into the cellblock from the guard tower, and made eye contact with Lori. She was so used to a quick glance and looking away. She looked back, and he was still looking at her. She knew that look. He wanted to talk. She stared, in disbelief, as he walked up to her and sat on the chair inches away from her.  Abe walked over and handed Lori some water and a bowl of oatmeal before walking away.

Everyone else in the cellblock saw the two together, and didn't know what to expect. Some walked away, not wanting to see a fight, others stayed close, to break up a potential altercation. Lori was stunned, and her hands started to shake with anxiety.

“I was hoping we could talk.  Just you and me.  It can be on your terms. We could go outside now, or wait until later.  I have so much I need to say to you.”  His voice cracked, and he had tears in his eyes. “Whenever you’re ready.  Today, next week, next month, whenever.”

When he began to stutter and tried to find to words to say something, she thought that two years went by. In those two years they lost not just their children, but also T, Jacqui, Jim, Sophia, Otis, Patricia, Amy and Dale.  And Shane.  She knew the weight of the responsibility weighed heavy on his shoulders. 

“I’m an idiot, Lori.  So much time has gone by.  I wasted time so much time.”

While he was still thinking of what to say to ask her to sit down and talk, she softly whispered, "right now is good."

He looked at her and gave her a tight smile, as his tearful eyes met hers.   

"It’s raining, but we can go to the holding area.”  She added.

He nodded his head and sighed in relief, and they both stood up. He grabbed the water and the bowl, and followed her out the door.

xxxxx

The only privacy they could get was in the office of the guard tower. Nobody would have any reason to look in there. Daryl took Beth by the hand and led her in.

As Daryl shut and locked the door Beth took off her shirt and bra. Daryl walked over and gave her a kiss, shoving his tongue deep in her mouth. She unbuttoned his shirt as he was unzipping her jeans. As soon as her jeans hit the floor she kicked them away. He backed her against the wall, and started kissing her neck, which drove her wild. He kissed her mouth again, before crouching down and sucking on her breasts. She bit her lip in anticipation.

They lay down together on the floor of the office, exhausted but content.

"Fuck.....Beth...Oh, God."

"This could be our place....it's quiet, we have privacy."

"I wanna talk to your dad. He's alright with Maggie and Glenn sharing a cell. I think he's cool with me, but if he finds out what we're doing I'll get a shotgun up my ass. I want to start sleeping in your cell. We have a privacy curtain...be more comfortable than here."

"Or the boiler room, against the wall in the shower room, against the wall on the other end of courtyard, bent over the sink in the cafeteria, or me holding onto the watchtower rail and you behind me." She laughed, thinking of all the times they've met for sex.

"You been keeping track?"

"Yep."

"What’s your favorite?"

"The shower room. Completely naked and wet, your body slick with soap....I love how you licked me. And the hot water...."

"Shit, girl." Beth looked over at him and laughed, as he showed her he was hard again. He rolled on top of her and flexed his hips, thrusting into her clinging warmth. 

"I love you, Beth."

"I love you too, Daryl Dixon."

xxxxx

Rick and Lori walked out into the room just near the courtyard.  The rain offered a steady “thump” on the roof, an ironic reminder of a different life…when they were in their old home, a thunderstorm would roll in during the night and wake them both.  It was Rick’s favorite time…to have a warm bed, loving wife, and a romantic beat of nature’s wonder outside.  He’d pull her close and they would make love tenderly, taking their time to last until the sun rose.

He gestured for her to sit in one of the chairs. He grabbed another, and put it right in front of her. They were sitting face to face, their knees inches apart.

“You should really eat.  You’re too thin.”  He mumbled before offering a tight smile. 

He took a deep breath and started talking, hoping he'd remember the speech he had planned.  She waited for the anger to crash over her like a suffocating wave, for the resentment to turn her blood to acid and eat its way through her veins, but when she looked at her husband she felt something so unexpected it took her a moment to identify the emotion.

She felt relief.  The vulnerability in his eyes melted her rage, and when he looked at her she saw what could only be described as tenderness.

"Lori. Please let me say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there for you during your pregnancy, the fall, delivery or after the baby died. I should have been the man you needed. You have every right to hate me. You have every right to tell me to go to hell and that you never want to see me again. I'm the world biggest asshole. Last night I didn't get a wink of sleep. I stared at the ceiling all night long, thinking about you and what our love use to be. I think that after all these years later, this isn’t love that I still feel in my heart. I would do anything to change the past two years. Anything. I let my damn pride get in the way, and then I thought we were too far gone. I wanted to approach you, but I just couldn't open that door. I thought there'd be more time. I wanted to find a safe place for you and the baby, and I'd work on us. I thought we could fix it. Then I didn't know how. It seemed like it was easier to stay mad at each other than to make a move. I would watch you. When you weren't looking, I would be looking at you. I miss seeing your smile. I miss being with you. I knew you needed me, but I needed you more. I'm sorry. So many times I wanted to go into your cell, but I was afraid you'd push me away, and tell me that that our marriage would be over. I don't want it to be over. I know I've been a shit husband. Abe is a nice guy, and if you want to move on with him, I'll understand. It will kill me, but I'll understand. I don't know what more to say. It will take time, and I'm willing to wait for however long it is, but please forgive me. I want you back. I'll do whatever it takes. Please, please, forgive me for the way I treated you. You deserve so much better than the monster I've become. I never stopped loving you. I still love you. Please forgive me."

Lori, who didn't take a bite of her food, had set the bowl on a nearby table and placed her hands on top of Rick’s trembling arm.  The only time they broke that token of physical contact was when she raised her hand to wipe away tears away from her eyes. 

"Rick. I don't hate you. I was mad and hurt. But I don't hate you. I still love you too. Why would you think I'm moving on with Abe?"

"I saw you two this morning. I wanted to make sure you were safe out there, and I saw him come up to you."

"No....it's not like that. Abe’s told me that he keeps talking to you to do something. He's a friend and has been my shoulder to cry on. That's it.  His wife and kids died and he knows what it’s like to feel that loss."

Rick sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.  "I'm sorry, baby." He was on the verge of heart-wrenching sobs, and Lori reached over and held his hands. "I never stopped loving you. I hate myself for every second I ignored you. There's not enough time in the world for me to say how sorry I am. You were everything to me. You still are. You were my rock during the bad times, and the only one I wanted to come home to. You made me so happy, and I treated you like shit. I guess the old saying is true, that you don't know what you have until it's gone. I'm sorry, Lori. I'm sorry. I'll say that every day for the next thousand years. I hope that someday you forgive me, because I'll never forgive myself. I'm an asshole. I'm a shit husband. But I still want to be your husband. I'll do whatever it takes. If you take me back I'll do everything I can to make it right."

In the cool, damp room both Grimes were emotionally exhausted but trying, in a vain attempt, to keep their composure.  They sat together in silence, the only sound being the steady pace of the rain and the occasional rumble of thunder.

Lori steadied herself before she broke the silence.  "The first night we got here.....when you told me to go to Hershel. That's the first time in our marriage that I was scared of you. I really thought you were going to punch me. The look on your face.... The last time you touched me was when you thanked me for saving him. I was so hurt. We were so physical and always touching each other. You never felt the baby move. Our hands touching right now is the first time...two years I think. I was scared, and mad. But I don't hate you. I love you.  I feel like I’m dreaming right now because I never thought this would happen."

Rick tightened his grasp. "Baby, I would never hit you. I'd take a bullet for you. I'm sorry...I remember that night. I have no excuse but to say I'm sorry. But I did feel the baby move. I would come into your cell almost every night. You would be sound asleep, and I'd make sure you had a blanket on you. You always stole the blankets." He said with a chuckle "I wanted to make sure you were okay. I would put my hand on your belly. I felt the baby move. I'd kiss you on the cheek or the forehead, then leave. After everything happened I held you hand and begged for you to wake up. Just like you did for me. I was so scared I'd lose you. But I couldn't look you in the face. All the guilt I felt, I didn't know how to start. It was like there was this wall, and I couldn't get past it. I miss you. I miss us. I miss waking up with you in my arms. Last night I wanted for nothing more than to just fall asleep with you in my arms, just like we used to. I need someone to hold me together, because I swear I’m falling apart."

Lori started crying, and had to take a moment before she continued. "That night. By the road. I was scared that you were becoming as ruthless as Shane. That's why I backed away. I was scared. Our first night at the CDC, after our shower, I went to the game room. Shane came in and was drunk. He was mad at me. Mad that I was with you. He was drunk. He pushed me against the pinball machine and tried to rape me. That's how I got the bruise on my back, and that's how he got the scratches on his neck. He tried to, but he didn't. I know you were wondering, and doubting, but that was your baby girl. One hundred percent your flesh and blood."

Rick looked in her eyes.  The pain and anguish he saw was almost more than he could take, He’d do anything to take it all back.  He was able to form the words “why didn’t you tell me about the rape?”

With her face in her hand, she whispered, “you wouldn’t listen.”

He dropped his head down and squeezed Lori's hand. That's when his body surrendered to his ocean of emotions and he openly sobbed.

Lori moved closer, almost sitting on his lap, and the two grabbed onto each other just as a drowning man reaches for a life raft. 


	5. A new beginning

Sasha, who, along with Maggie, was watching through the small window in the door, clapped her hands together and quietly whispered "finally!" when they saw Rick and Lori embrace.

The two left the door, and went back into the cellblock. Abe, Ty, Merle, Bob, Glenn, Hershel and Carol were sitting around, and Sasha clapped her hands and raised her arms. "Hallelujah!"

"Really?" asked Carol.

"Yep. They were talking for a while, then started holding hands, now they're hugging. I think our nightmare is over." said Maggie.

"You two were snooping?" Carol asked, with a smile.

"Well....um, we were" Maggie stuttered.

"Damn right we were." replied Sasha, proudly.

"This is wonderful. I remember what they were like when they first brought that boy to my door. At least now we can relax around them." said Hershel.

"I don't hear any screaming. That's a good sign." Ty added.

"Hang on...." Sasha whispered, as she left the cellblock to go back to the window, and was back within a minute.

"Okay.....they've made up. They're kissing. Really kissing. Um....okay nobody goes near that door."

The small group was visibly relieved and began to discuss their daily activities, which were cut short by the rain.  The conversation paused when the side door opened and Rick and Lori walk in quickly, holding hands. Rick was leading the way, pulling Lori behind him.  They both give polite smiles to the people at the table, and quickly went into Rick's cell, shut the door and pulled over the privacy curtain.

Hershel, Glenn, Carol, Bob, Ty, and Maggie decided to go to the holding room in order to avoid hearing the reunion that was about to happen not too far from them.

Sasha smiled and headed to the watchtower.

xxxxx

Beth was holding onto the railing of the tower, her hand slipping as the rain poured onto them.  A loud moan escaped her mouth. Daryl had a firm grasp on her hips as he pounded into her, making her cum over and over. Her mouth was still sticky from when she sucked Daryl off just an hour earlier. They are both soaked, from sweat and rain.  They didn't hear the door open, and when Sasha walked up the stairs she stopped, quietly turned around, and went back to the cellblock. She heard the moans from Rick's cell, and kept walking out to the outer room.

Every muscle in the archer’s ripped body contracted tightly.  He rode her while he ejaculated, and she joined him as they climaxed in unison. 

“I can feel you.”  Beth whispered, breathlessly.  “I can feel you cum.”

Daryl kissed the center of her back before he rested his head near her shoulder.  He still had a grip on her breast, and smiled when she seemed disappointed when he became soft and slid out.

xxxxx

They were both wounded. Lori told him that life in this new world is too short, and the past should stay in the past. She forgave him, and asked his forgiveness for pushing him away.

Rick moved in for a kiss, which Lori accepted hungrily. The residual anger, hurt and resentment dissipated as they shared their first kiss in two years.

“I love you, Lori.  I’ve always loved you.”  He said, the weight of his body covering her as they lay together on his bunk. 

She swallowed thickly when his deep, rough voice dropped in volume, sounding more intimate than normal.

“I love you too.  Always.”  She whispered, her eyes meeting the soul piercing gaze he was giving her.

They kissed again, their tongues fighting for domination. The cool cellblock didn’t prevent both from sweating from the exertion.  Her heart fluttered when he stared deeply into her eyes as he slowly penetrated her.  That was always their “thing.”  They always locked eyes as he pushed into her most sensitive part. 

She wrapped her legs around his torso, and he started to thrust, slowly at first, then working up to a rhythm they once perfected. He kissed her deeply and helped her roll over on the small bed.  They both chuckled when she bumped her head on the bottom of the top bunk, but that was soon replaced with pure lust for each other.  She leaned down to give him a kiss, as he gently pushed her hair out of the way and cupped her face with his hands. 

Lori placed her hand on his chest, her fingers running through the small, tight curls.  She rocked her hips backward, taking in his full length. She rocked up and down, moving his shaft in and out quickly. He watched as her breasts bounced, inches from his face.  He grabbed one and took it into his mouth, sucking on the sensitive nipple.  He started to thrust upward as she still moved herself up and down. He hit the right spot and pushed her over the edge. He smiled when he saw her face twist in pleasure and he felt her inner muscles tighten around him. 

She smiled when she felt his warmth inside of her. She laid down, her body covering his. They kissed again, exchanging "I love yous."

They were too focused on each other to notice Andrea was standing outside the cell, using her fingers to pull back the privacy curtain just enough for her to look in and watch the live show.

xxxxx

They stayed wrapped up in each other’s arms for hours.  After they made love twice more, they heard Carol say "knock knock" at the cell door.

“Everything alright?”  Rick asked, not taking his eyes off his bride.

“Fine.  Just wanted to let you know dinner’s ready.” 

“Alright.  Thanks Carol.”  Rick responded, as Lori teased him by sucking on the soft spot under his ear. 

Rick turned his attention to his wife, kissing her again.  "Move into my cell tonight. Please." He asked.

Lori looked into his beautiful baby blue eyes that looked so tired and sad.  She smiled and said "absolutely!"

He grinned, and quickly kissed her again.

They reluctantly got out of bed and got dressed, then went out to the table hand in hand and ate dinner with the rest of their family.

When they sat right next to each other, Hershel says "That's the best thing I've seen in a long time." Rick put his arm tightly around Lori, and held her close to him.

Andrea glared at the beautiful brunette from two tables away.


	6. Ooopsie

Daryl couldn't sleep. His mind was on Beth. After dinner the group said goodnight to each other, and he watched as his love gave him an innocent smile as she helped her dad get back into his cell. 

Hours earlier that mouth with the cute, innocent smile was wrapped around his cock, taking in each inch of his length. Her sweet face twisted in pain and pleasure as he had her backed against the boiler room wall, slamming in and out with such force she almost fell over when she came.

He quietly got out of the top bunk, since Merle insisted on taking the bottom one, and quietly walked to Beth's cell. She had her own one, with all the other cells belonging to couples or supplies. He watched her as she slept, and knelt down by the mattress, near her arm. He started kissing her shoulder, then neck, and mouth as she turned towards him. He reached his hand under the blanket, and massaged her breast before moving to her crotch. She smiled and tried to muffle a moan when he pushed aside her panties and slid in two fingers. He covered her mouth with his own, and she kissed hungrily.

"Let's go take a shower" he said. "'sides, your dad's in the next cell."

She nodded, and he held her hand as they left the cell, not needing anything for their own private, middle-of-the-night shower.

xxxxx

Lori woke up, and was startled when she saw Rick lying right next to her. This was their first night lying together in the same bunk.

He was wide awake, watching her sleep and thinking of all the time they lost.  He missed her so much. Two years wasted. They started kissing, and she realized the privacy curtain was not closed. She said she could hear Michonne and Ty upstairs....since her old cell was close to them she recognized the voices. She whispered to Rick "you up for a shower?"

xxxxx

Daryl and Beth undressed, and left their clothes on a hook around the corner. They didn't want their clothes to get wet, but they were so intent on themselves they weren't thinking straight. Daryl turned on the hot water, and took Beth's hand to pull her under the spray. He kissed her deeply, shoving his tongue deep in her mouth while at the same time backing her against the wall and slipping in two fingers. He dug his fingers in so deeply he lifted her off her feet. His rock hard cock brushed against her inner thigh, and his lips brushed her nipples.

She whispered "fuck me" in his ear, as he lowered her onto his long, engorged dick. They did their own dance; he put his hands on her hips and moved her slowly up and down on his cock, while she wrapped her legs around him and squeezed him using her inner muscles. She rode him as he stood as close to her as he can get, their combined juices, mixed with sweat and water run down his legs. She felt her orgasm building, and she clenched him while he thrusted, spurting hard and hot deep inside of her.

He smiled and she giggled as he turned off the shower, both satisfied with another encounter. He wanted to talk to Hershel and get his permission to date Beth _fuck her brains out without him knowing is another thing entirely._ He wanted them to share the same cell. He can't move into hers, since its right next to Hershel. He could have her move in with him, and have Merle move out. Damn jackass snores anyway.

They held hands as they walked to the pile of towels and their clothes, only to have Daryl stop and turn them around at the last moment. They had visitors. Rick and Lori walked into the shower room, and headed right to where they're standing. Daryl noticed that they've stopped and took a stall about ten feet from them.

Beth and Daryl, both naked and wet, watched as Rick and Lori undressed each other, and stepped under the hot water, deep kissing and wet bodies mimicking the same moves they just did minutes before. Daryl jokingly covered Beth's eyes as they both saw Rick's naked ass and Lori's long legs wrapped around him.

“We’ll wait ‘till they’re done.”  Daryl whispered. 

Beth giggled when they couldn't even reach a towel. Their plan fell apart when Lori bent forward, with Rick entering from behind. The Grimes found their rhythm, and started moving together. Daryl and Beth had no place to hide, and knew it was just a matter of time before they're caught. They tried to move to the corner, but the floor was wet and Daryl fell.

That got the Rick's attention, and while his first instinct was to push Lori behind him for her safety, he realized that in doing so, he left himself completely exposed. Still firmly erect, and quite visible. Lori put her hand on his shoulder and turned Rick around, letting Beth and Daryl get their clothes and leave the shower room. The two young lovers quickly got dressed, then kissed as the parted for their own cells.

Rick and Lori were almost double over with laughter when they realized what happened. Rick pulled Lori in for a tight hug, and within seconds they resumed their forgotten sex life. They make love again in the shower, before going back to their cell.


	7. Good Morning

At the cusp of dawn, just a few hours later, Lori woke up before Rick did.  He was asleep on his back, she as on her side, her head on his shoulder and her body almost covering his body.  Her crotch was throbbing and still sticky from the previous day and activity in the steaming hot shower.  She was never so happy.  The bridge she thought was burned was rebuilt, and she never felt more loved or in love.

xxxxx

The Grimes went to the kitchen, hand in hand and smiling, and joined Daryl and Beth.  Rick and Daryl looked embarrassed, Lori and Beth smiled. The four sat at the same table, the elephant in the room was simmering just under the surface. 

When Beth stood up to get some more juice, Lori followed her and pulled her aside.

"So......you and Daryl."

"Yep....oh yes...” Beth said with a smile. "I'm really happy to see you and Rick back together."  Desperate to change the subject. 

"Me too. You can't waste time in this world. He forgave me, I forgave him. We're back to normal. Or as normal as you can get these days."

"Good. About the shower...."

"Beth, I'm not telling anyone. In this world you have to hold onto happiness while you can."

"Okay. Um, it was just embarrassing."

"Yep. But funny. It didn't stop us. It shouldn't stop you."

"Daryl's gonna talk to daddy later. He wants his okay to date me."

"Ah, dating...is that what you're calling it these days?"

Beth blushed, Lori chuckled and gave her a hug. They both got back to their spots at the table, both Rick and Daryl asking their other halves if everything is okay. Lori nodded, and Rick put his arm around her, kissing her forehead.

Daryl wanted to show affection towards Beth, but Hershel had joined them at the table.  Others joined, one by one, and the group....the _family_ was sitting together, enjoying a nice breakfast.

Beth suddenly excused herself and quickly walked to the bathroom, vomiting up all of her breakfast. Lori followed her to the bathroom and heard the girl's heaves.  Beth flushed her breakfast away and she walked out of the stall and went to the sink.

Lori rubbed her back as Beth splashed water on her face, then gripped onto the sink and started to cry.

"You okay, honey?"

"Yea, I think I'm coming down with something. Some stomach bug."

Lori knew the signs.  "Beth, how long have you and Daryl been intimate?"

"A couple months. We try to be quiet, but like last night, that was the first time we got caught."

"Do you guys use condoms?"

"No, I'm allergic to latex."

"When was the last time you had your period?"

"I'm scared, Lori."  She said, flatly.

Lori pulled the blonde into her arms for a tight embrace, rubbing her back and saying that everything will be okay. Beth buried her head in Lori’s shoulder and started crying.

“I’m scared, Lori.”  Beth repeated, through sobs.

The brunette saw a motion from the corner of her eye as Rick walked into the room, saying he was concerned about the two women.

Lori looked at her husband and said "She's okay....just a little embarrassed about the shower last night. I'm gonna take her back to her room."

xxxxx

Beth sat on her bunk while Lori pulled over the privacy curtain. The younger woman was crying and shaking, afraid of what her father would say.

"We don't have to tell him now. We don't even know. Maybe the guys can do a supply run and pick up a test just to make sure. Do you want to tell Daryl?"

Beth nodded her head, but begged Lori not to say anything. Lori gave Beth a kiss on the forehead and left the cell, being very nonchalant. She helped clean up after breakfast and pulled Daryl aside when nobody was looking.

"Lori, if this is about the shower, I'm sorry. It was the middle of the night...."

Lori shook her head, not needing an explanation.  "Don't worry about that. Rick and I thought it was funny. Please go talk to Beth. She's in her cell."

"She alright?" Daryl asked, his face lighting up with concern.

"She's fine. Just tired."

The redneck’s face sank with worry and concern, and he ran out of the kitchen area and back to the cells. 

xxxxx

Lori watched him go, thinking of how concerned he was, and her eyes got misty, thinking of what could have been if she didn't fuck things up.  _If only_.


	8. Life Throws You a Curveball

When Daryl walked into Beth’s cell her face was in the toilet, her body shaking as she vomited.  He rubbed her back until she calmed down, but noticed she was shaking.

“Babe, what’s wrong?”  He asked, and waited for her to turn on the cell’s faucet, colletct some cold water in her hand, and splash it on her face.  He handed her a towel, then led her to her bunk.

He repeated himself, “Beth, babe, what’s wrong?” 

She openeded her mouth to speak but nothing came out.  She remembered a few of her classmates from high school got pregnant and were dump by their boyfriends.  Now, she’s at the end of the world, and scared of being a single mom. 

With her dewy eyes, she looked at Daryl, and in an anxious voice she said, “I think I’m pregnant.”

In that instant, Daryl knew his life would be complete.  He didn’t grow up with a family, but the people around him became more powerful than a family ever could.  Within seconds of the words leaving her mouth, and with never breaking his firm hold on her hand, he slid off the bunk and onto one knee.

“I love you Beth.  Will you marry me?”

xxxxx

Andrea, who stood outside the cell, smiled when she knew she had a nugget of gossip.  And she knew exactly what she was going to do. 

xxxxx

"Please don't tell Daddy. Not yet."

"I won’t."

"We're gonna need so much stuff." Beth said.

"Well, we have everything we got for Lori. Gonna be tough for her though."  Daryl added.

"This is gonna sound mean, but I'm glad we're already on the ground floor." Beth remarked. "I mean, I don't wanna fall."

"Yea. That's good." Daryl said, thinking of how he's going to convince her father to let him over into her cell in order to have the privacy a growing family needs.

xxxxx

The rest of the day passed quietly, uneventful.  Carol pulled Daryl aside and said she heard through the grapevine that he wants to date Beth. Not knowing how much Carol knew, he nodded but didn't say much.

“You need a haircut.  You gotta clean yourself up.”  Maggie joined the two and wanted to give him a makeover. They took him into the barber room, Carol told Daryl to sit in the chair, and she turned him around, away from the mirror. Maggie, who had gotten clothes from Rick, helped Carol cut his hair short, and gave him a fresh shave.

He put on one of Rick's jeans and a clean tee shirt. They stood back and looked at what they did. The two women smiled at their makeover, and when he looked in the mirror Daryl didn’t recognize the face that was staring back at him.  "Shit...I look like a white Urkle." He said, to the laughter of Carol and Maggie.

"You look fantastic." Maggie corrected him with a chuckle. "Listen, I know you and Beth have a thing going on. Daddy really likes you. You've really protected us, and for that he already accepts you. Please understand something. Beth is his baby. She's the baby of the family, and Daddy has always been protective of her. You look great. We've know you for years and he sees how good of a guy you are. Just talk to him. You'll be fine."

"Thanks." He mumbled, before escorting the two women back to the cellblock. Carol took note of the shampoo they had in the room, thinking that they should add that to their supply, when possible.

He went back to the cell he shared with his brother, preparing himself for the onslaught of teasing.  He almost walked out when he heard the immediate laughter.

"Well, looky you....GQ Magazine is calling."

"Fuck you Merle."

"Fuck you too, little brother."

Daryl nervously paced around the room, then announced, "Shit, Merle. Me and Beth...we have a thing going on. She's pregnant. I want to ask you about...him. What did he do to you?"

For several seconds he was quiet, his eyes locked on his brother’s.  Then he asked softly, "You sure you wanna open that door?”

"I'm gonna be a father...don't wanna be him."

Merle looked at his brother, and saw tears in his eyes.

"You're not him."

"What if grab a belt?"

"You won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you. He was sick. You're not him."

"Fuck, Merle."

"Talk to her. That'd be better than us sitting around like a couple of chicks. You're not him."

“But what he did…”  Daryl said softly. 

Merle sat up and got up from his bunk.  He walked over to his brother and placed his hand on the younger Dixon’s shoulder.  He repeated “you’re not him.” before giving his brother a quick embrace.  Neither Dixon wore their heart on their sleeve, so the hug was over before it began.

“You’re gonna be a good dad.”  Merle told his brother, before turning around and returning to his bunk.  After a few moments a smile crept across his face and he said “Shit, I’m gonna be an uncle.”

xxxxx

At dinnertime everyone was in a good mood, talking like a family would.  It was mostly the same old story; Hershel would farm, some would take watch, some would clean up inside and keep track of everything in the storage room. But it was as close to normal as dinner conversation could get.

One by one, everyone did a double take when they saw Daryl.  He was visibly nervous, especially when he looked at Hershel.

He was sitting right next to Beth, keeping a hand on her leg the entire time. He gave her half of his dinner, she initially refused, but one look he gave her told her not to protest.

Andrea made a dramatic entrance and forced her way to sit between Maggie and Glenn.  She immediately started her verbal assault. 

“Lori, you look good.  I guess all you needed was a good fuck.  I guess you’re not worried about getting pregnant again.  Too bad.  I’ll bet you had the cute little house with the white picket fence in the back yard.  Tell me, how does it feel that nobody will every call you ‘mommy’ again?  You can visit the grave of the little brat, but you can never even visit your son’s grave.  He’s lying there wondering where his mom and dad are.  And you’ll never see him again.  And if you really think that everything is fine and dandy with your marriage you’re fucking nuts.  If Rick ignored you for that long he hates you.  You’re just a lay at the end of the world.”

Rick threw his glass at the blonde, who ducked at the last second.  The glass hit the table behind her, smashing into a million little pieces, getting water and shards everywhere.

Lori stood up and although Rick immediately followed her, she was walking as though she was in a trance.  She pushed through the door and walked out of the room, with her husband right on her heels.  Rather than going to their cell, she went to the barber room.  Rick put his hand on her arm to stop her, but she continued to her destination.  She felt her husband’s warm hand on her bicep, and although his touch was welcome it also triggered a sense of loneliness deep inside of her soul.  It was an emotions she had gotten used to over the past three years.  Even though the two made up, she felt isolated.

She arrived at the old hair dressing room and pulled open a drawer.  What she was looking for was still there, right where she put it the other day.  Rick was begging her to say something, and he suddenly screamed when she pulled out a straight razor and started slitting her wrist.

xxxxx

“What the fuck is wrong with you, lady.  I lost my kids too.  You gonna tease me like that?”  Abe bellowed, his voice echoing throughout the room.

“Fucking bitch.”  Bob snarled.  “I lost my pregnant wife and kids to those things.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know the story.  Everyone lost someone, blah blah blah.  Michonne lost her kid, Sophia was rotting away in the barn, and Hershel lost two wives and the home that was in his family for generations.” 

She glared at Hershel, and continued.  “I’ll bet that hurts.  I’ll bet you wanna go home.  But if you do, you’ll miss the new baby.  Beth, ain’t you gonna tell daddy that Daryl fucked you good and got you pregnant?”

Merle slammed his hand down on the table and stood up to push the troublesome blonde out of the room.

The awkward, uncomfortable silence hung like a storm cloud over the small family.  Hershel looked pale, and Bob walked over to give him a drink of water.  Beth couldn’t look her father in the eyes, and Daryl nervously started shaking.

The older man took the glass from Bob and brought it to his lips, taking a sip.  The glass slipped out of his hand and smashed onto the floor.  He apologized, but was difficult to understand.

Bob descended onto him immediately.  The word “stroke” was mentioned, and he asked Abe and Ty to help him bring the man to the infirmary. 


	9. Time to Heal

Breakfast the next morning was painfully quiet. Nobody sat in Hershel's seat. His loss was felt by everyone. Andrea joined the small gathering, her right eye swollen and bruised, curiosity of Carol’s left hook.  Nobody said a word to the blonde, and several of the men were tempted to throw her over the fence to the walkers.

They waited to dig Hershel’s grave.  Rick sat inside with Lori, holding her close after her brush with death.  Ty and Abe went outside to dig the hole, right next to a small patch of newly formed grass.

That afternoon, the cloudless sky and warm sun mocking their grim mood, they stood around the final resting place of their father figure.  Nobody spoke for a while, and a stillness descended upon the family.  Since Hershel was the only man of God, nobody else knew what to say. Glenn was holding a crying Maggie tightly, and Daryl was on his knees, along with Beth, hysterically sobbing and trying to grab onto her father one more time.  Rick was standing with his arm around Lori, who was staring at the weathered, small cross that marked the gravesite of Judith Anne Grimes.

Carol was in mourning over her lover, and was just standing still, resigned. She wasn’t thinking about Ed, she was thinking about Sophia.  She felt completely alone.  Hershel was placed in his grave, and most of the family had to walk away before Bob and Abe covered him with dirt.

Lori stayed, slipping out of Rick’s grasp and went to sit on top of Judith's grave. Abe patted Rick on the back as he sat down with his wife at where their daughter lay, just feet below where they were sitting.  The two sat in silence. They each had a range of emotions; grief, shock, rage over the senseless loss of their good friend, and they were scared. They were scared at how quickly something could happen. Despite all the security they put into the fortress of their home, something can happen within the walls.

The day passed, and the two didn’t move.  Lori wanted to apologize for her attempted suicide, but couldn’t find the words.  Twilight had settled, and when the sky began to turn dark, Lori leaned forward to the wooden cross that marked Judith's grave and gave it a kiss. Her knees were in the mud, but she didn’t seem to mind.

"Goodnight, baby girl. Daddy and I miss you so much. Give a big hug and a kiss to your big brother, and tell him we miss him too. I love you Judy."

Rick heard what Lori said, and also kissed Judith's cross, telling her that he loves her. "Watch over your mama. Please help me keep her safe. I love you, my sweet girl."

He stood up first, and dropped his hand down to help Lori to her feet. He brushed the dirt off her back, and they went back into the cellblock, hand in hand.

“You need to eat something.  You haven’t eaten all day.”  Rick said softly.

Lori didn’t respond, but followed Rick as he led her to the kitchen.  He needed to keep her within his sight at all times, so he brought her into the food preparation area.  She stood silently as he warmed up some chicken soup Carol had made and poured two bowls.  He held the tray and grabbed two spoons before walking to the tables.

He quickly ate the meal, and after much coaxing, he breathed a sigh of relief when Lori finally ate her food.

When the showers were free they bathed together, not in a sexual way but because Lori couldn’t get her stitches wet.  Rick washed her first, then asked her to stay close when he cleaned himself.  He wanted to keep an eye on her so she wouldn’t hurt herself again. 

They got dressed in their pajamas, for Rick a pair of boxers and for Lori a pair of panties and a tank top. The quietly got back to their cell, and sat on their bunk without words. Rick’s hand moved over and tenderly took his wife’s unbandage hand in his own, and sat with their fingers entwined. 

“I’m sorry.”  She whispered, the first words she uttered all day.

“It’s okay.  I love you so much.”  Rick said, as he guided her to lie down, then slipped into the spot behind her and the wall, He draped his arm around her, and held her close throughout the night.

They kissed, and exchanged "I love yous" before Rick wrapped his arm around his wife, and the two laid silently for over an hour before Lori’s breathing fell into a rhythmic pattern of slumber, but Rick stayed wake the entire night, thinking of hoe he can help her fragile mental state.  She planted the razor during the time he treated her badly.  If he didn’t follow her she would be the one buried, and he’d have lost the love of his life.

xxxxx

Daryl did whatever he could to console an almost hysterical Beth. She was angry and crying at the same time. She wanted her dad. She wanted her mom. She wanted to go home. She had to leave the farm so quickly she left behind everything she had. She was angry. Daryl, who was afraid of what her reaction would be on the baby, just hugged her tightly. When the cellblock was quiet, except for a few sobs coming from different cells, she quieted down. He helped her undress, and tucked her into the bed. He got undressed down to his boxers, and slid into the tiny space that was left.

xxxxx

Maggie was done with crying. She was stoic, just sitting on the bunk and staring at the floor. Glenn got into the bunk, and tried to get her to lie down. She said she just wanted to sit and not do anything. Glenn nodded, and kept one hand on her waist as he fell asleep on the small bunk. Maggie's head was swimming over what she could do. She thought about going into the shower room and using just one bullet. Just one would solve her problems. She knew Daryl would protect Beth, but she didn't want to leave her sister alone in this world. But _she_ didn't want to live in this world. She has Glenn and Beth, but nothing else.

She thought about jumping off the guard tower. Quick and painless. She didn't know how to tie a noose, so hanging herself wasn't an option. She wanted to be free of this horrible world. She wanted her dad, her mom, her step mom and her stepbrother. She was thinking that if she was gone, it would be one less strain on the supplies they have. She and her dad....two less people in the group, two less people to use the food they have. That meant more for the others. She heard Glenn start to snore, and laid down next to him. He was sound asleep, but reached out and put his arm around her, pulling her closer. She spent the night staring at the bottom of the upper bunk, thinking of the life she once had, and the life she has now. It was appropriate that they were in a prison.....she felt like she was serving time.


	10. When it rains...

Weeks later, the family seemed to be getting over the emotional shock of Hershel’s death. 

Beth and Maggie put on their strong, smiling faces for everyone, but inside they were falling apart.  Carol wanted to stay busy and didn't want anyone to touch Hershel's stuff, so she shut and locked the cell door.

Bob had training in psychiatry and endured the pain of the loss of his children, so he was able to sit with Rick and Lori, all mourning and trying to heal.

The doctor knew Lori wanted to say something, so he invited her to say what was on her mind.  She looked at Rick and said. “I went through an entire pregnancy without one ounce of emotional support from you. I can't count the number of nights I cried, praying that you would at least give me a hug and put it behind us. But I got nothing. That hurt me. That cut me to the core. Even when we got here, you picked a cell far away from me. I wanted so much to wake up in your arms. How you walked out of a room when I walked in, you sat as far away from me as you could get during meals, and didn't say one word to me in so, so long. The day I fell, when I woke up and our daughter was dead, I needed you so much. I begged for you to come to me. When I switched cells I needed you to just hug me, and tell me that everything was gonna be okay. But there was nothing. Both of my kids.... _our_ kids were dead, and I felt invisible to you. I was so angry, and so hurt. It was a year since our baby girl died, and it took Abe to show attention to me for you to want to notice me again. But through all that time, I still love you. I still want to be with you. I still want a life together. I'm sorry that I pushed you away that night. I'm sorry I did anything with him in the first place, and I'm sorry that I made you feel bad. I love you, and I owe you so much for securing this place and keep everyone safe and alive. The past has been hell. But I want to be with you, like the way it was before." Her voice trailed off, and she said "that's all I have."

xxxxx

While on laundry duty with her sister and Carol, Maggie excused herself and went into the weapon supply room, and found Glock 22.  She climbed the stairs to the office at the top of the cellblock, and took some paper and a pen. She walked down the hallway and locked herself in Lori's old cell, which was far away from everyone. Nobody was around, just the way she wanted it.

She wrote her first letter;

"Rick, thank you for taking care of me and my family. My father looked up to you, and thought that you were the son he never had. He always wanted someone who would be able to take care of me and Beth after he was gone. You have done a fantastic job making a prison our home. I admire the lengths you go to in order to keep everyone safe. I speak for everyone when I say how happy we all are that you and Lori are together again. We all knew the two of you loved each other. You two are like the mom and dad of our family now. I can't tell you how sorry my dad was that he couldn't save Carl. We were all sorry. We all felt horrible about Judy. You and Lori have gone through so much, and you're still alive. In this world, where real, true love is so hard to find, don't let it slip away. You know she loves you, and everyone knows you love her. Don't waste any more time. You are a good man, and I thank you for saving us. Please take care of Beth. I know Daryl loves her, please make sure he's good to her. Hopefully, years of Catholic school and nightly bible study is right, and there's a Heaven. I'll be with my dad, my mom, my step mom, and my step brother. We'll be watching over you. Thank you for keeping us safe. With love, Maggie."

She folded the paper, and wrote "Rick" on the outer side, then started another letter;

"Daryl, I know you love my sister. She has been crazy about you from the second you two met way back at the farm. I know the two of you are involved.....this is a small place and world travels fast. You're a good person, and you've shown your loyalty to us many times. Thank you. I can't thank you enough. Beth has always been Daddy's baby. She is a fighter, but she is also very scared. I hate that what I'm doing will leave her alone. I'm her last relative. But I can't go on. I can't do it. Please, Daryl, please take care of Beth. She's my baby sister. Hold her tight and let her know that everything will be okay. She loves you. And I love you for taking care of her. Please let her know that she is loved. Thank you. Love, Maggie."

Maggie folded the paper, wrote Daryl's name on it, and had to take a break. She sat on the bunk, and sobbed. She had so much in her mind. She knew her loss would be felt. She saw no other way. At some point, she fell asleep.

She woke up an hour later, after vividly dreaming about her dad, and her life back at the farm. She lay in her bed for a while, really thinking about what she wanted to do. She thought about Beth, and what her reaction will be. Beth would bounce back. She had never seen her sister as happy as she is with Daryl. She thought of how tender and caring Daryl was to her when they buried their dad. He'll take good care of her. Everyone will.

She sat at the small desk and wrote another letter, this one for Beth;

"Beth. I love you so much. Please don't be sad that I'm gone. Be happy that I was here. I was eight years old when you came into my life. I finally got a sister, and was so happy. Dad would call us 'double trouble' because of everything we did. I smile when I think back to the things we did when I was old enough to drive to the store. I still say it was YOUR idea to steal those m+ms. :) Daryl loves you. He had his eye on you from the moment he got to the farm. I loved that we shared a room, even though we could have had our own. It was so much fun growing up with you. I'm proud to call you my sister. Please understand why I'm doing this. And please...please...PLEASE, Beth, please don't hurt yourself. We've lost too much. Our family here has lost too much. I wish the world would go back to the way it was, but that won't happen. Have a fantastic life with Daryl. I know you love each other. Please understand. You're in my heart forever, Maggie.”

She folded up that letter as well, adding it to the two already on the desk.  The last piece of paper was more difficult to compose. 

"My Glenn, my love. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't want to play this game anymore. You have been a ray of sunshine in my life, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you. Please forgive me for what I've done. But I don't want to do this anymore. Every day that I have spent with you has been fantastic. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the light and the love of my life. I don't want to leave you, but I have to do this. I love you so much. In time, I hope you understand. I love you today, tomorrow, and forever.  Always.”

Maggie heard everyone start to gather for lunch, and she knew she had to act quickly. She grabbed one more piece of paper and wrote "I love you all" for those for whom she didn't write a personalized letter, sat on the floor and took a deep breath.  She picked up the handgun and placed it in her mouth.  She didn’t hesitate when she was disgusted with the taste of the metal barrel, knowing it would be over soon anyway.

The sound of the pop echoed throughout the cellblock. 


	11. After All

The first few weeks and months after Maggie’s suicide were horrible.  Painful.  Glenn fell into a deep depression and didn’t leave his cell for weeks.

During the following months, Michonne and Ty announced that they were expecting a baby, along with Sasha and Bob. 

The stress of losing her father and sister within days caused Beth to miscarry, but months later she was pregnant again.

Andrea was living under the constant threat of being thrown to the walkers.  She watched every word she said to Lori and Beth.  Her constant attempts to seduce Abe, Merle, Rick and Daryl were unsuccessful.  The contempt the men had towards the blonde was not missed by anyone.  She was shunned by the women and ignored by the men.  The lack of getting attention from anyone was physically painful for her.

On what was the two month anniversary, if anyone kept a calendar anymore, of Maggie’s suicide.  The survivors, Rick, Lori, Glenn, Daryl, Beth, Michonne, Ty, Sasha, Carol and Bob were sitting together, quietly mourning the three family members they lost.

Rick was sitting on his bunk one afternoon, thinking about his life, the way it used to be and the way it was now.  It felt as though he was in a cheesy horror movie.  The world had ended, his children were dead, and every day was a gamble.  They were all living on borrowed time.

He didn’t hear Lori enter the cell but she got his attention when she sat next to him.  He felt her hand rest on his shoulder, and she gave him a warm, loving smile.  She was much more relaxed since they had their conversation with Bob.  The past was in the past, and there was nothing they could do to change it.  He was acutely aware of the increasing closeness between them.  Not just sexually and emotionally, but they had gotten to the point at which they had joined souls.

Over the winter months, when the harsh weather prevented anyone from going outside, some got some cabin fever over the daily monotony of breakfast, guard detail, lunch, detail, dinner, and the end of the day. 

Lori became obsessive about cleaning.  She cleaned her cell every day, having the sheets in perfect order.  The words Andrea said months ago, about Carl lying alone, waiting for his mom and dad to visit, resonated in her mind.  The months they spent on th road made it impossible to determine how far away the far was, and the thought of going on the road, an unplowed, unknown road, scared her too much to bring up the notion of going to visit her son.  A horrible thought pushed its way into her mind…what if he wasn’t put down correctly, and he was one of those things?  Even the idea made her sick.

Carol and Glenn spent the days in their respective cells, still in mourning over Hershel and Maggie.  Ty, Michonne and Beth would try to get them to get out of their cell, even to go to the watchtower and get fresh air.  They’d refuse, and barely ate the food that was brought to them.  Rick locked the weapons cell and along with Ty and Abe, they went through any area that could hide a weapon.  The officer bore the emotional weight of the suicides, and would still be over emotional when he would think about how Lori was almost driven to take her life.

From the guard tower they could see the general area where the bodies were buried, but the snow obscured the markers. 

When they started their third month with no way to go outside, Andrea snapped.  One afternoon the cell block was freezing, which Andrea blamed on Rick.  The small group sat around the table, and the blonde, furious after the officer turned down her sexual advances yet again, and mumbling “whore” as he walked away, she started yelling.

“We should have set extra plates.”  She looked at Rick, who was sitting with his arm wrapped around Lori, trying to keep her warm, and continued.  “I’ll bet any minute now T will walk through those doors.  Jacqui too.  And Amy, Jim, Otis, Carl, Maggie, Hershel, Patricia…  Oh wait, they’re all dead.  Think about it, Grimes.  You show up at the quarry and it falls.  You take us to the CDC and that gets blown up.  Then the farm burns down.  Face it…you’re bad luck.  Little Judy should be taking her first steps right about now…right?  Better keep an eye on her…she’ll fall down the stairs.”

Abe stood up, and using his Military skills, was able to restrain Andrea and pull her to the door.  That didn’t stop her from her tirade.  

“You’re fucking bad luck, Grimes.  Everyone who died, their blood is on your hands.  You may as well killed them yourself.”  Abe physically picked up the blonde and pushed her, face first, into the door.  “Carl and Judy are your fault.”

The last words hit Rick hard.  In his mind the role of the father is to protect his family.  He wasn’t able to do it.  He thought back to his own father, whom he always thought of as unbreakable.  The senior Grimes was spent twenty years on the police force before that one horrible night, when Rick and his brother were teenagers, playing a Nintendo game after dinner.  Lori helped his mother clean up the dishes before joining the brothers.  The doorbell rang and when Mrs. Grimes looked through the peephole she saw the Captain, and immediately knew what it meant.  She collapsed in grief in the threshold, and as Lori tried to comfort her future mother in law the brothers spoke to the Chief.  Michael Grimes was taken down by a known crackhead. 

“Baby?” 

Lori’s voice snapped him out of his trance, and at first Rick didn’t feel the tears that were running down his face.

She walked him back to their cell and held him tightly as he cried.  “It's not your fault when people die.”  She crooned as she rubbed his back.

“Not always, but sometimes…sometimes it is.”  He sobbed out.

He reached over and grabbed her hand, entwining their fingers and squeezing tightly.  He had been trying hard to keep his anxiety and guilt in check, but he was struggling to deal with everything that was put on his shoulders.  He had come to rely on Lori’s reassuring presence more than she could ever know.  She had become his rock in countless ways and the only person who helped him hold on to his sanity.  He needed her, but she had no idea how much.

She sat with him for almost two hours, until he was exhausted from weeping.  She pulled back the covers, took off his boots and tucked him in, just as she did with Carl.  He fell asleep quickly, and she quietly left the cell. 

xxxxx

Lori was soaking up the sunshine on a warm spring day.  Sasha was beside her, both women talking and enjoying each other’s company, comfortably gossiping about everything from how desperate Andrea has become for attention to the chicken dinner they ate the night before. 

They laughed over how Andrea was placed in a cell in D block for three months.  That area wasn’t cleared, and although she had running water she was given only a bag of dried food to last the sentence Rick placed on her.  She had walkers at her cell door twenty-four hours a day, and no electricity, which made the nights unbearable.

She tried to avoid looking at Sasha’s prominent belly, Bob’s baby safely inside.  The good doctor told Lori that another pregnancy would be deadly for her and the baby, and almost impossible with the way Judith was delivered, she ached to hear someone call her “mom” one more time.

They started giggling when the told each other about the men in their lives.  Sasha looked around to make sure they were alone, then the chat turned to bedtime activities.

“Like, he loves licking my toes, and I want to scream that there’s something else I want him to lick.”  Sasha said, while laughing.

Lori chuckled and added, “I swear every time we try different positions he’s done in two minutes.  I wish we still had the internet so I could Google the karma sutra.”

They almost didn’t hear the motorcycles speed down the dirt road but their attention was immediately directed to the SUV which broke through the gates.  They jumped out of their chairs and tried to see what was happening, their eyes taking time to adjust to the light.

“Well…lookey here.  I claim the white bitch.”  One of the bikers said, as he parked the cycle and walked toward the two. 

The loud noise caught the attention of those inside, and as Abe and Ty ran out to see what was going on they were immediately shot in the gut.  Gunfire alerted the former sheriff, who started to run to save Lori.

Rick was able to fire off five rounds, taking down three of the men before he was shot in the shoulder.  Lori screamed and dragged him inside and into the weapons cell. 

Merle ran outside and looked at his friends.  Abe was still moving but bleeding heavily.  The ginger turned to his side and was reaching for help.  Ty was lying still.  He watched in horror as Sasha, holding her pregnant belly, was grabbed by the hair and her head bent backward before a hunting knife slid across her neck from ear to ear.

Before he could think of raising his gun, Joe stood two feet in front of him and shot him in the throat. 

“You got a nice place set up here.  I’m gonna go ahead and say this place is claimed.”

xxxxx

The screaming never stopped.  Rick was in Lori’s arms, getting weaker by the minute.  Lori heard Beth screaming for mercy, and didn’t want to know what was happening.  There must have been thirty men, all heavily armed. 

She kept pressure on his wound, but the blood was seeping through her own shirt, which she ripped off to try to help. 

“Stay with me, baby.  You’ll be fine.”  She begged, cradling his head in her arms.

She locked her eyes onto his, and the cold reality of the situation started to crush her soul.  She was about to lose him.  The only man she has ever loved.  Even if Bob was still alive, the damage was too great.

The spark in his sky blue eyes was diminishing, and she could tell he was trying to tell her something.  She bit her lip while bringing her ear close to his mouth, and heard him whisper “I love you.”

Her lips brushed his, and she kissed him, a long, tender kiss, and when she raised her head she could tell he was gone. 

Without a second thought she picked up his Colt Python.  She checked the chamber, and saw there were two bullets left.  She thought about Romeo and Juliet…star crossed lovers who met a horrible fate.  Two bullets.  She would be with Rick and their children.  She would put down Rick, then take her own life.

The screaming had stopped, and she could hear heavy footsteps getting closer to her cell.  Two bullets, but she was surrounded with other weapons.  The man named Joe turned the corner and flashed an evil smile, until the split second he realized she had her finger on the trigger and fired.

Joe’s head exploded, and she heard other men screaming and running to where she was.  She hated the thought of leaving Rick as a walker until the end of time, but knew it was too late.

She put the end of the pistol in her mouth and pulled the trigger.

Then darkness.

xxxxx

The monitors started beeping wildly as she opened her eyes.  She gasped for air, which got the attention of Carl.  He looked at her and screamed for his father, who was in the bathroom.

The door flew open and Rick ran out and to his wife’s side. 

“Lori, baby…can you hear me?  I’m right here, baby.  I love you so much.  Can you say something?”

She looked at him, trying to communicate the millions of questions that were in her head.

_Carl looked so different.  He was so tall._

Her face dropped when Doctors Edwin Jenner and Robert Stookey, along with nurses Beth Greene and Sasha Williams ran in and checked her vitals.  Jenner pushed Rick aside and started giving her a neurological examination.  When she was asked to follow his finger to the left, where Carl was standing, she saw the top of a stroller. 

What’s going on?

“Tell me your name.”  The taller doctor demanded.

She looked around wildly, and Carl was urging her to say something.  She looked at her boy, very much alive and standing before her.

Tears were streaming down Rick’s face, and as the doctors were working on her she overheard the word “coma.”

 


	12. Back to normal

After waking up from a three-year coma Lori had to endure two months of grueling and intense physical and speech therapy to heal from the trauma of her ordeal. 

Michonne Anthony, her occupational therapist, stood by her side as she tried to regain muscle mass by lifting five pound free weights.

With help, she swung her legs to the edge of the mattress and was told to just sit for a minute before she stood.  That gave Rick a chance to lovingly slip socks on her feet so she wouldn’t be cold.  Her legs were shaky when she stood for the first time in three years, and with encouragement she could walk half way down the hallway before she needed to stop.  Rick had his arm around her, his hand resting on her hip and holding her tightly, his other hand encompassed her own.  He and Michonne walked her back and helped her sit in a wooden chair, rather than the bed she was in for three years.

Years of sponge baths can only do so much, and Lori was overjoyed when she could take a shower for the first time since the morning of the incident.  Michonne stood by her side as the water poured over her, washing away what Lori hoped would be the last remnants of her nightmare.  The therapist helped as Lori preformed the delicate task of using a razor to shave her long legs and underarms.

Lori wanted to quit when her arms started hurting as she washed her hair and body, but she was encouraged to keep going. 

xxxxx

As the weeks went by, Lori became stronger with her physical therapy and was able to walk the hallways, Rick always at her side.  When the two returned to her room, Lori smiled when she saw her mother.  There was no shortage of tears every time her mother came to visit, but when the woman showed up by herself for the third time, Lori’s gut clenched.

“Where’s Daddy?  Connie?”  She tried to say, which came out a jumbled mashup of words.  Everything she wanted to say was in her mind, but getting the words out…she was just stuck.

Rick helped Lori walk to a chair and sit down, then gave her a kiss on the lips and a quick peck on the cheek to his mother-in-law and left the room.  This is a time for mother and daughter.

Janette Wilson held her daughter’s hand as she explained that two weeks after she slipped into the coma James Wilson had a massive, stress-induced stroke.  Although he was in the hospital at the time, and Rick immediately started CPR, he was gone when he hit the floor.

Connie, Lori’s only sibling, was died two years ago.  Her mother didn’t give additional information.  The mother anticipated her question and told her that Amy, Connie’s young daughter, was taken in by Rick and later adopted as a Grimes.

The two women, mother and daughter, held each other as they cried over their losses…loved ones and time.  So much time gone.

xxxxx

When the doctors decided she was in proper psychological condition, Rick was able to explain the situation, dodging her questions for weeks.  Psychiatrist Dale Horvath sat in the corner to help with any reaction or if Lori needed help.

Three years ago, they had an argument in the morning.  Lori slowly nodded her head when she remembered the words “sometimes I wonder if you even care about us at all.”  In anger and frustration, he left the house without kissing her goodbye, something he never did.  Hours later he and Shane heard a call over the radio about high speed chase in progress. 

The two lawmen set out spike strips and waited, along with officers Bassett and Everett.  The speeding car flipped, and two men were taken down after exchanging gunfire.  A third, who was unnoticed at first, emerged from the overturned vehicle and aimed his weapon at Rick, getting off one shot before Shane took the man down with a shotgun.

He was shot in the gut, but the Kevlar vest stopped it.  Shane took down the other man, and after a quick checkup at the hospital, department policy for an officer involved shooting, the two continued their shift. 

Rick’s eyes became misty and he held her hand a little tighter when he said that another call came over the radio…a carjacking, shots fired, citizen down.  He wiped away a few tears when he described arriving at the scene and seeing the paramedics work on his wife. 

Witnesses said she tried some self-defense moves, the ones that Rick taught her, but the thug had a gun.  She was shot on the side, close to the left armpit before being physically thrown the ground, face first.  She broke her left wrist, her nose and her jaw, and the bullet caused internal damage and punctured her left lung. 

 “You coded three times.  I was never so scared in my life.”  He said, his crystal blue eyes teaming with tears.  “I was in the chopper with you when we flew to Atlanta Trauma.”  Although he was usually good at hiding his emotions, Rick’s pained expression told her how much he missed her.

During emergency surgery, routine bloodwork produced a surprise…she was pregnant.  The operation went well, but she eventually slipped into the coma.  He told her about the media firestorm that followed.  Rick was heavily criticized for turning his wife into nothing more than an incubator.  He was the top story for months on a cable news show with a loudmouth anchor with a thick southern drawl who dubbed Lori “coma mom.”

After the publicity faded and the twenty-four hour a day news vans left their house, he had to juggle constant visits to his wife, work, keeping Carl calm and running a household.  Then he adopted Amy and shortly after that Judith was born. 

Shane helped with watching Carl, but he was distracted when he finally settled down and got engaged to a cute, perky blonde named Jessie.  She was divorced and had two young children, Ronald, who was Carl’s age, and Samuel, a few years younger.

When the time arrived, she had a C-section and gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  There was just a few minutes about the birth on the news, internet articles and the occasional news clipping some still said Rick was selfish…keeping his comatose wife alive just to have a child.  He went from the top headline on every newscast and received death threats, but eventually the publicity faded and he became a memory.

xxxxx

When Rick gave the okay for Lori to have company, Shane dropped Carl off at school and stopped by the hospital with Judith and Amy.  Lori became terrified when she saw Rick’s lifelong friend.  Her mind was foggy, and she had a difficult time remembering the Shane who would throw the football around with Carl and be at their home whenever they needed help.  She pictured the demonic Shane who tried to rape her in the CDC and attempted to kill her husband.

The first time Shane saw his best friend’s wife he bent down for a quick hug.  She looked at the left side of his neck…no scars from being scratched.

The physical therapy was working well, and Lori had enough upper body strength to lift her daughter.  The first meeting brought her to tears…Judith screamed and wanted to get away from the stranger who was holding her.  She scooted across the bed to the waiting arms of her father, who held her tightly.  He moved closer and sat right next to Lori, who tried to say “my baby girl.  My baby girl.”

Rick saw the heartbreak in her eyes, and tried to encourage Judy to go to her mother.  Amy crawled onto the mattress and gave her “mom” an embrace, but almost two-year old Judith was doing everything to avoid any contact with the woman she didn’t know.

xxxxx

The day came when Lori was finally given the approval to go home.  Her physical therapists, Michonne Anthony and Jacqui Douglas, would continue home visits for as long as she needed it.  Carol Pelitier, her speech therapist, would do the same.

She was embarrassed when the nurse wheeled her out to the new minivan, and she was reminded of the time she and Rick were leaving the hospital with newborn Carl.  Her boy.  He’s healthy, and alive. 

Rick drove with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand holding Lori’s their fingers entwined.  He asked her if she was doing alright, and rather than answer she just smiled and nodded.  She was afraid that if she tried to speak she’d break down in tears.

He pulled into the garage, cut the engine, and hopped out of his side to run over and open Lori’s door.  He helped her out of her seat, treating her as though she would break. 

“I gotcha, baby.”  He said, carefully wrapping his arm around her waist.

Rick reached over and twisted the doorknob, pushing open the door.  He held her closely as her still wobbly legs carried up the three steps leading into the house, and her senses were bombarded with the sights of a place she thought she’d never see again. 

A familiar aroma made her heart warm. Rick had arranged a small welcome home party.  His mother, Judith, was there, along with Janette, his brother, Jeff and his family…wife Maggie and their three children, David, Anthony and Sophia, and a new, furry face, a two-year-old golden retriever Carl named Oscar.

Rick had vases of pink flowers, her favorite, all over the house.  Carl, who was at this point as tall as his mother, ran over and enveloped her into a hug.  Two-year-old Judy was wobbly walking towards her father, who picked her up and leaned closer to Lori.  The little girl held onto her daddy as she slowly warmed up to her mother, whom she only knew from pictures and the occasional hospital visit.

The large family sat around the table, eating comfortably and overjoyed to have Lori home.  She was eating her mother’s and mother-in-law’s home cooked dinners and looking around the table to the people she thought she lost forever.  A few times she was overcome by emotion, but did her best to put on a brave face.  She chuckled when Rick told Carl, again, not to feed Oscar from the table.

After three years in a coma she was not able to speak the way she wanted, which was ripping her apart because she wanted Rick to know how much she was scared.  She felt as though she was watching a movie when the nightmare she had still lingered in her mind.  Everyone whom she thought was dead was sitting in a safe home, eating unlimited amounts of food and embiding on wine and didn’t have to worry about running from the undead.  Then she realized how ludicrous, but still vivid, her dream was.  She looked at her mother, who was smiling when she was surrounded by her family and grandchildren.  She tried to fight the images that came flooding back…the last time she saw her parents they were both torn apart.  But her mother is alive and well, but she never got to say goodbye to her father.  Or Connie.

Lori excused herself and slowly walked to the powder room off the kitchen.  She thought she was going crazy.  She didn’t know what was real or not.  Her hands were shaking when she turned on the faucet, cupping her hands and splashing cold water on her face.  She was home.  A place she never wanted to leave, and she was home.

She hoped that her soft sobs were going unheard, until there was a light knock at the door.  As he always does, Rick opened the door as he rapped his knuckles, then closed it behind him when he saw how upset she was.

“Too much? We didn’t want to overwhelm you.  We all missed you so much.”  He said, as he held her tightly.  She buried her face in his chest, soaking up his masculine, musky scent.  He rubbed her back as she trembled from heart wrenching sobs.

"Just relax.  It's okay.  You're home.  I love you so much, baby."

xxxxx

Almost everyone understood her emotional reaction to being completely overwhelmed.  Her mother and mother-in-law became very concerned, but Shane looked annoyed. 

When Rick shut the door, there was silence, and Lori gladly accepted her husband’s hand while he led her to the couch. 

“So tall” she said when looking at Carl.  She looked at Amy, who was only one year old when the incident happened.  Her beloved niece was now her adopted daughter.  “Looks like Connie” she whispered, with a halfhearted smile.

Rick watched as she pursed her fingers together and moved them as though she was using a pen.  He got the unsaid message and stood up, went to the kitchen island and grabbed a pen and pad of paper.  She nodded in thanks and started to write some questions.  Her fine motor skills were rusty, so she had some difficulty.

“Connie?”  She wrote, then showed him the paper.

“Not now.”  He whispered, as he quickly rubbed her back.

She nodded again and wrote “I missed three years.”

“We did, baby.  We missed you so much.”  He put his arm around her and moved closer, his forehead meeting hers.  He was on the verge of tears, so he cleared his throat and changed the conversation.

The family of five sat in the living room, Carl happy to have his mom back, Amy and Judy slowly warming up the new person in the house.

After an hour of time spent together, just the five, no television, cell phones or IPad, Lori gave Carl a tight embrace when he said he was going to bed.  She had a quick memory of standing over his grave at Hershel’s farm, desperately digging at the dirt to see her boy one more time, and held on closer, her tears pooling in her eyes. 

 _It was just a dream._   She reassured herself.

"Mom, I'm okay."  Carl said, as his mother tightened her embrace and he could feel the tears dampen his shirt. 

He broke the hug, still overwhelmed with his own grief, leaned back and gave his mom a kiss on the forehead.

Rick, who witnessed the entire scene, rubbed Lori's back before adding, “I’ll get the girls ready for bed.”  Rick said, standing up but never breaking their gaze.  “Your job is to just sit and rest.”

Lori sat on the sofa and looked around the room, all the memories of a different life flowing back.  She missed being in the house she loved, with the man she loved, raising her family.  The last time she was in the kitchen was when she had an argument with Rick over trivial matters, things she doesn’t even remember today. 

She heard the splashing of the water and the giggling of little girls and wanted to run up the stairs.  This was HER family.  She needed to be with them.

She thought about her dream.  It was so realistic.  Several long looks at her left wrist showed a scar from the surgery to fix the broken bone, by no suicide attempt.  She closed her eyes tightly and pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger, trying to remember details.  She broke her wrist in her dream, which may have been her remembering the injury she sustained during the fight.    Hershel died of a massive stroke, just as her father did.  She was never so confused.  She knew she should hear and feel everything when she was unconscious, but wasn’t able to say anything.  She could hear Rick crying and begging for her to wake up.  She remembered the familiar feeling of a pregnancy, and the absolutely horrible day when she had her C-section.  The doctors thought that she was in a coma so the pain medication wasn’t needed.  They were wrong…

“Hon?  Baby?”

Rick’s booming voice snapped her back to reality.

“Yeah?”  She was able to say out loud.

“Just wanted to make sure you’re okay down there.  I’ll be down in a few.”

She cleared her throat and answered “alright.” Then looked around her home.  It was the exact same way she remembered it the morning she left.  But she was struck with a strong feeling of dread.  She sat for a few minutes, trying to calm herself down from the precipice of a major panic attack.  Her feelings danced between grief, fear, and emotionally drained.

Oscar sauntered over to her, his tail wagging.  He put his front paws on her knees and lifted himself up, sniffing around her head before licking her cheek.

She smiled and responded by rubbing the dog’s head before he jumped onto the couch and curled onto her lap.

_Well, at least you accept me.  My girls don’t._

xxxxx

Rick stood right behind her with one hand on her back as she slowly took the fourteen stairs up to the second floor.  He refastened the safety gate behind them.

She pointed to what was the guest room, the door at the other end of the hall from the master bedroom.  When she opened it to say goodnight to the girls she looked at the walls, painted a light shade of pink and one wall had a large poster of Elsa from the movie “Frozen.”

She walked over to the two toddler beds, Connie still awake but holding her worn teddy bear.  Lori leaned forward and gave her new daughter a kiss before walking a few steps over to Judith.  “Baby girl.”  She said, feeling a tear fall onto her cheek. 

When two-year-old Judy started to squirm, Rick, who was standing in the threshold to give Lori privacy, walked over to her daughter and said, “Judy, this is your mama.  Can you give her a hug?”

Judy’s eyes went from her mother to her father before landing back on her mom, then she sat up in bed and quickly wrapped her arms around Lori’s neck.  She was still weak, but held onto her child…the child who was buried at the West Georgia Correctional Facility was now in her arms.  Lori planted several kisses on her daughter’s face before the girl squirmed away and laid back down, letting her mom cover her with the blankets.

After a quick stop at Carl’s room to say goodnight one more time, she noticed the room was completely different.  The Star Wars posters on the wall were gone, along with figurines on his dresser.  She kissed her son good night one more time, then shut the door.

xxxxx

Getting to their bedroom, she noticed everything was exactly the same.  It needed some cleaning and dusting, but nothing was different.

“Love to take a shower.”  She said.  Looking at her husband.  Rick smiled and agreed.  “Five minutes.”  She asked, needing some privacy before she had company.

When she quickly glanced around the familiar bathroom she noticed that everything was the same.  Rick didn’t touch anything on her sink in the double vanity.  Even her hairbrush was in the same place.  She peeled off her clothes but refused to look in the mirror to see her scars.  She was told by the doctor that she was not limited to any activities, and she yearned to be with her husband again. 

She let the hot water pelt her skin and saw the exact same bottles of shampoo were in the shower caddy.  It was almost as though time had stopped in the house.  She heard the shower curtain pull back and Rick stepped into the tub.  He stepped forward and gently kissed her shoulder.  His hands moved over the naked, slick skin of her back, gliding and massaging.  A shaky moan escaped her throat when he pulled her against him.  Her heart fluttered when she felt him behind her, and his hardness against her the back of her thigh.  She bent forward and grabbed onto the towel rack as Rick gently held her hips and entered her from behind.  Their bodies were sealed tight, and the primal need they had for each other came rushing back. 

xxxxx

Rick stepped out of the tub first, Lori saying she wanted to stay under the water a little longer.  When she finished, and dried herself off, for the first time she looked at herself in the mirror over the sink.  She was taken aback when she saw how emaciated she became.  Her ribs and hip bones were visible through her skin, and her overall muscle tone was extremely atrophied.

She saw the faded scar that ran from just below her chin to right above her navel.  Her C-section scar was prominent, as was a large scar below her left armpit and marks from chest tubes and further surgeries.  Her hair was tinged with grey, and dark circles remained under her eyes.

She felt the tears form when she saw how ashen and grey her skin was.  She didn’t know the stranger who was looking back at her. 

Rick became concerned when she was taking too long drying off and opened the door while gently knocking.  He found her wrapped in a towel, her collarbones visible.

He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, leaving a trail of kisses from her shoulder to her cheek. 

“You look beautiful.”  He told her.

“Like a walker.”  She whispered, as tears started to flow out of her eyes.  She thought she had the same sunken, pale look that haunted her dream for the past three years.

“Like a what?  Baby, you’re beautiful.  I love you so much.  You have no idea how much I love you.”

“Three years, gone.”  She replied, as her voice cracked.

She put her hands over her face and started softly crying, then turned around and buried her face into Rick’s bare chest.  He rubbed her back and held her tightly and enveloped her into a hug.  He tried to contain his own emotions, but was losing the battle.

“I missed you so much, baby, I can’t tell you how much I love you.”

When she calmed down, he gently said, “Let’s go to bed.”

xxxxx

He walked her over to her dresser, and everything was exactly where she remembered it.  She slid on a pair of panties and a pajama shirt.  While standing in front of the dresser she noticed that everything…the few books in the corner, the teddy bear she kept when Rick won it for her at a carnival when they were teenagers, were still in place.

It took her a few moments to say, “Everything’s the same.”

“Of course, it is, baby.”  Rick said, taking the towel she used to dry her hair and throwing it in the bathroom hamper.  He quickly walked back to the bed and slid under the covers, immediately taking his wife in his arms.

He held her tightly and was desperate to claim his wife again. 

xxxxx

Moments later, Rick was completely covering his wife.  He propped himself up on his bent elbows which rested on either side of her head.  He alternated between deeply kissing her mouth to dipping his head to suck on her nipple.  Every thrust made her body tremble. 

They laid together, basking in the afterglow of a much-needed reunion.  He took a deep breath and said “Shane took care of Carl.  It took me over a week to get home.  I stayed with you until they brought you from Trauma to Grady.  I didn’t touch anything.  It took me almost a month before I washed your coffee mug.  I was lost.  I guess the old saying is right, ‘you don’t’ know what you have until it’s gone.’  Baby, I was never so scared in my life.”

Lori didn’t say anything.  She heard him say those words before.

 

_What the hell is going on?_

 


	13. Hanging on

The pain and pressure was too much to handle.  Something was wrong.

Lori looked around the boiler room of the prison and shook her head in disbelief.  The air was thick with humidity and the stench of decay.

_I’m not supposed to be here.  It was all a dream._

She wanted to reach over and hold onto Carl, but the ear-splitting sound of the alarm system seemed to make the pain worse.

_This can’t be happening._

“Lori, let's lay you down.”

She looked at Maggie, alive and well, but the farmer’s daughter’s face was awash in concern and worry.

Lori heard herself speak words she couldn’t control.  “We have to get back to our cell block to have Hershel help.”

The floor of the boiler room was cold despite the uncomfortable warmth of the cell block. 

“No.  We can't risk getting caught out there.  You're gonna need to give birth to this baby here.  You're doing great, Lori.  Just keep doing it.  Your body knows what to do.  Let it do all the work.”

A bolt of pain tore through her body.  _This isn’t the way everything’s supposed to be._

“Lori, don't push…stop.  Something's wrong.”

*****

Her eyes snapped open.  Her body was trembling slightly as she adjusted her vision to the dark bedroom. 

She knew she was back in her home, a place she never thought she’d see again.

_What’s happening to me?_

The first night in her bed, with Rick snoring softly beside her.  Months ago, she thought she was trapped in a nightmare, but it turned out to be a twisted dream she had while in a coma. 

_Or was it?_

She tried to steady her breathing as she felt the familiar comfort and warmth of her bed.  Rick’s arm was tightly wrapped around her, just the way they always used to lay…when they were engaged, and newlyweds, and the first few years of their marriage.  Before the petty arguments that seem so irrelevant now. 

She had no idea how much she missed what she had at that very second.

The vivid dream was still in her mind, but she could slowly become aware of the fact that she was safe.  There was no undead walking around, her children were alive and well, she and Rick were very happily married and overcame any lingering anger and resentment that remained. 

She glanced over to the clock on her nightstand.  It was only two-seventeen in the morning.  Oscar was sleeping at the foot of the bed, and as soon as she slowly slid out of Rick’s grasp and swung her legs over the edge of the mattress, the pup started to wag his tail at the new arrival.

Oscar scooted over to greet Lori, licking her face and trying to climb onto her lap.

****

She checked on the children, adjusted the covers Carl always kicks off, then fumbled with the lock on the gate at the top of the steps before heading downstairs.

Oscar kept her company as she made her way to the couch and wrapped herself in the red plush blanket on the sofa.  She rubbed his head as she sat in the darkened room and tried to make sense of the coma dream.

The details were still so painfully vivid.  Carl dying in her arms, the emotional pain Rick put her through, the fall and the death of her baby girl.  She remembered so vividly smelling the booze on Shane’s breath as he pushed her against the pinball machine and tried to rip off her panties.

_But nothing happened._

She had so many questions.  The one small lamp in the room gave her enough light to walk to the spare bedroom they used as a home office and retrieved Rick’s laptop.  She turned on the power after sitting back on the sofa, and saw a different wallpaper background.  It was a closeup of her, taken from their wedding day. 

Her first Google search was the “West Georgia Correctional Facility.”  The result was a minimum-security prison deep in the heart of Georgia.  The pictures looked nothing like what she remembered from her dream. 

She was relieved, thinking that everything pointed to it being nothing more than a nightmare.

She thought about Connie.  Her mother didn’t provide any information, and Rick kept saying “not now” whenever she asked.  She knew Negan was bad news, and had a temper, but her heart sank when she pulled up an old news article.

“Connie Holden, age thirty-one, was murdered by her husband, Negan Holden.” 

Tears filled her eyes when she read the details.

“Mrs. Holden was stabbed multiple times after confronting her husband about an alleged affair.  Mister Holden admitted to raping his wife before plunging the twelve-inch knife into her torso, face, stomach and throat.  He told investigators he was angry about Mrs. Holden becoming pregnant and refusing to have an abortion.”

“Connie was pregnant.”  She thought to herself.

She covered her face with her hand and started softly crying.  Oscar became concerned and started whimpering.

She continued reading the article. “The couple’s one year old daughter was placed in the custody of Sheriff Richard Grimes, husband of the so-called ‘coma mom.’  Mr. Holden was sentenced to life in prison at the Eastern Georgia Maximum Security Penitentiary.”

Lori’s eyes questioned the words “coma mom,” and did a Google search about the title.

*****

Around four in the morning Rick slowly awoke, his arm still on Lori’s now empty side.  A slow feeling of panic gripped his heart when he realized she wasn’t in their bed.  He quickly reached under the covers to retrieve his shorts, pulled on a pair of sweatpants and was pulling on a tee-shirt as he quickly left the bedroom.

The small light downstairs caught his attention, and he heard Lori’s soft sobs.

He quickly walked down the stairs and found her looking through his laptop, and knew he couldn’t hide information from her.

He didn’t want her to find out this way.

With Oscar greeting him as he made it to the couch, he looked at his wife.  She looked like a wounded bird.  Her body was fragile and her face was swollen from crying.

“Connie.” She croaked out.

“I’m sorry, baby.”

“Did…he …hurt… Amy?”  she asked slowly.

“No.  Shane and I made sure of that.  We took her to the hospital and got her checked out…the doctors said she was physically fine.”

Lori pointed to an article which mentioned the toddler was left with the body of her deceased mother for three days before a neighbor called the police over the concern of an odd smell coming from the house.

Rick sighed as he nodded yes. 

She picked up the pen and paper that was on the coffee table and scribbled “did she suffer?”

In twenty years together, they knew everything about each other.  Every facial expression, nuance, and glance.  Before Rick tried to lie and say “no,” that her sister didn’t suffer when she was practically eviscerated, his heart ached when he saw his love crumble.

He wrapped his arms around her as she held onto him tightly.  He crooned nonsense into her ear, trying to say how sorry he was, but couldn’t say everything would be okay.  He and Shane were first on scene that horrible day, and were overcome by the stench of the days old corpse.  Rick ran to pick up his niece, hugging the hysterical baby before bringing her into the kitchen to give her some juice.  He went with the baby to the hospital so she could get checked out, and when the baby girl was asleep in his arms he went to the fifth floor to sit with Lori. 

Lori’s sobs snapped him out of his trance and took him away from that day. 

Over an early breakfast they spent together, Lori asked, “coma mom?”

Rick sighed and started to describe the situation.

“That woman, Andrea Harrison, on the nightly news…the one with the fake southern drawl who names all the victims…she labeled you coma mom.”

“Why?”

“After it happened…after you were shot, they found out you were pregnant.  Everything was fine until you slipped into the coma.  It was national news for a couple weeks.  People were saying I was cruel for keeping you alive just to have the baby.  They didn’t know I was keeping you alive to keep myself alive.”

His ocean blue eyes started to team with tears as he became quiet. 

The two of them were sitting together at the table, sharing coffee quiet moments together.

“I remember having a C-section.  I couldn’t move or say anything, but I felt everything.  I guess they thought that since I was unconsciousness I couldn’t feel anything.  They were wrong.  It hurt.  I couldn’t hold our baby girl, and now I’m a stranger to her.”  She scribbled.

“I’m sorry, baby.”

 

 


End file.
